Ingrid Falaise : Using an Ordeal to Help Others

Today, through her lectures, books and the television series that tells her story, she shines a light on a reality that affects a very large number of Quebecers. The amount of testimonies she receives every day is proof of this, and testifies to the need for a public figure to break this taboo.

There are so many cases of domestic violence, both in Quebec and elsewhere. What do you think can be done to improve the situation?

Getting out of it is the hardest part. As I say in my conferences, it starts with a love story, with seduction. The M’s study us, they charm us. They give us all the attention we’ve always wanted. It seems normal, but slowly, they start manipulating us. It’s so insidious that you don’t even realize they’re gradually breaking down your personality. But that’s the thing: it’s all founded on a love story. If it wasn’t, intimate partner violence wouldn’t be possible.

What we can do is raise awareness among our young people: talk to them, give lectures, just to make them a little more aware. Maybe they’ll leave earlier, or maybe it’ll give them extra ammunition. I think that, basically, we need to teach our children respect. Respect for themselves and for others. If we start with that, work from the bottom up, maybe we’ll help some of them escape. There’s still a lot of prejudice surrounding survivors of domestic violence. It’s hard to understand when you haven’t experienced it. You wonder why the person doesn’t just leave. So we need to explain, like I do in my conferences, the mechanism behind it. And that’s the same mechanism for everyone.

After Le Monstre was published, you received a lot of stories from people who went through the same thing. Is it hard to become a kind of confidante and spokesperson for these people?

I get at least 15 stories a day, and I respond to everyone. After the books and the series came out, there were waves of stories. Everyone tells me their horror story and asks for advice. I often refer them to SOS violence conjugale, a domestic violence hotline, or invite them to read my books. I’m not a therapist, but it makes them feel good to confide in me. These people don’t have to justify themselves. I understand them very well. It’s definitely hard, but these people have also helped me feel better. Realizing I’m not alone took away the shame and guilt.

You also wrote a sequel to your book, Le Monstre: la suite. It talks about your life after leaving M. What was it like right after you made the decision to leave?

The first few years were very difficult. You want to get on with your life, but you have to learn how to live in society again. You’ve been under someone’s thumb and you don’t know how to live without that. And you’re left with all of these defense mechanisms. My mother couldn’t touch me anymore, because I was suddenly getting too much love. M made me think I didn’t deserve it. You need to learn to love yourself again. It takes a long time to rebuild. It took me 16 years.

Finding your husband, Cédrik, was part of that rebuilding. You’re married, you have a baby. Was it hard to trust again?

That was the biggest step. For me, vulnerability meant danger. I used to leave him every other week. He’d come back and tell me he was here to stay. I had to meet a man who was emotionally intelligent enough to understand where I came from. We’re so blessed to have found each other.

We can see you together on Notre premier flip on Canal Vie. Can you tell us more about that?

It’s a brilliant project! My boyfriend’s a general contractor. We bought this horrible house that we tore down and rebuilt into two turnkey condos. We only kept the outside. There were a lot of situations we weren’t expecting. On the show, they follow us through the entire renovation, and professionals comment on what we’re doing.

Was it hard on your relationship?

This wasn’t our first renovation together. I was working with my boyfriend’s company long before the flip. We work very well together. It’s not always easy and it’s a lot of work, but it’s going great. And the children are involved, too. They come to the site, help us demolish a bit, choose the flooring. It’s a family matter!

Le Monstre has just been adapted for TV. What was it like to get back into the story, this time in pictures?

I found it very hard. Seeing a girl who looks like me, my family, the magnitude of the situation. I just wanted to hug myself, like all of Quebec wanted to do. I collaborated on the content to make sure that every link was there, because if one is missing, it’s not intimate partner violence. When I saw the first episode, I cried every tear in my body. I watched it with my husband and I was very moved.

How did you coach the actors during shooting?

I only met Rose-Marie Perreault once before shooting. We ate sushi and talked for three hours! I told her about the nuances in acting that were important to make sure it stayed true to what I experienced and what other women are experiencing. She had already done an extraordinary amount of research. As for Mehdi, he came to my house and I showed him my photo albums. I kept everything. He was able to see M. He asked me a lot of questions, and I answered them without holding anything back.

Is it harder to move on with the books, your talks and the series? They always bring you back to that time in your life.

Actually, it helps me. It’s come full circle now. I broke the silence and I’ve talked about it so much that I’ve taken the evil out of it in every way possible. It’s set me free. I live every moment in gratitude, knowing that this period helped me to become the woman I am today.

Ingrid, thank you very much for sharing with us and for your involvement with intimate partner violence survivors.

SOS violence conjugale : 1 800 363-9010